In my previous posts, I talked about recognising my warning signs, and what I can also do about it. But what happens if I don’t recognise my warning signs?

So in my previous post, My Warnings Signs When I’m Getting Unwell", I mentioned some warnings signs that I’m getting unwell - which includes change of sleeping pattern, racing thoughts, hearing voices and increased spending on money. Now that I recognise my warning signs, what do I do to help “flatten the curve”?

Part of my recovery journey is to recognise when I’m getting unwell - more specifically recognising the warnings signs that makes me unwell. So how do I know when I’m getting unwell?

If only you knew you had a beautiful smile, even though your friends back then said they were crooked, and you believed so.

If only you knew then that every time you cried and had a breakdown cause you felt you weren’t good enough, would shape who you are the woman today.

You don’t know how much your words give her hope that someone truly accepts her for who she is.

You don’t know how much the words, “Your past is the past. I want to know who you are today.” means to her.

You give her hope that someone actually cares about her.

I become anxious when I have to deliver a speech, meeting with new people, and sometimes seeing a new doctor and talking about my past hurt and trauma. I am scared I might be misunderstood at times by the doctor, and sometimes when my anxiety is at its peak, I may not be understood in the right ways. The fear is so great. I found some ways to overcoming my anxiety:

If there's one thing I learnt about my mental health journey and recovery, is that there is no perfect medication, no perfect hospital system, and no perfect support network. Over the years I have tried a lot of medications, trialled different support networks - whether that's in art, or changing the treatment team. I learnt through all these constant changes that it doesn't help to be perfect, but more importantly, being brave in all these situations.

In my previous post, I talked about How The NDIS Changed My Life - but in this post I want to specifically address How Clozapine Changed My Life.
Clozapine is "a medication used to treat certain mental/mood disorders (schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorders)." ~ Webmdx

I have been on this powerful medication, if I remember right, almost over two years now. I have greatly benefited from this medication, in combination with my Abilify monthly injection as well. The combination works for me.

I am one of the lucky ones who have received a really good package out of the NDIS and I am plan-managed and not NDIA-managed. I have had an immense amount of support throughout these two years of receiving the NDIS package. It has changed my life, and here I list why:

Today is 30 December 2019, and as I'm reflecting on what a great year it has been for me, I am also excited about what 2020 will have installed for me. I have improved and recovering from my mental health issues, and tackling each issue at a time. I want to share why 2019 was the best year of my twenties with you:

Love is difficult for you to explain. And because you have been through the form of abusive love, you have to be careful how you give your heart and love to people.

Spending over a year and a bit in a mental health rehabilitation place were probably the best and worst times of my life. During my stay at rehab, I heard voices and had a lengthy one or two hospital admissions. I was depressed and was suicidal as well. Also during this time, I learnt to cook, clean, do budgeting, and maintain my mental and emotional health. I learnt and studied all the DBT skills and as well as applying it into my life. My wonderful doctors and nurses at rehab were very understanding and kind. I couldn't have any better mental health care team. 

You are stronger than you think.

Remember the time you had a car accident, it was all your fault and you told yourself you don't deserve to drive again because you are an unsafe driver?

Do you remember the time he broke your heart and you told yourself you never open yourself to anyone ever again?

I wouldn't be here without you.
You abused me not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.
I have learnt to survive on my own self because what you have done to me as a woman.
I have learnt to say no when I don't want something, rather than agreeing quietly with everything you say to me to do.

"So you hear voices? Is it female or male?" - the psychiatrist asked me.

I told him I couldn't differentiate whether they were female or male or not at the time. The psychiatrist continued to ask me more questions.

"Is it inside or outside your head? Do you think they control you or you control them?" - he continued with more questions.

Having an invisible disability doesn't stop me from falling in love with someone. Of course, it wouldn't, as someone who is disabled, we can't limit ourselves to these sort of things. I haven't had 'much luck' when it came to romantic relationships. I first fell into an abusive relationship, emotionally and mentally when I was 19. I thought I was 'in love' with this person. We had met at a University social club, and he chased me and said 'I was hard to get'. In the first year, there was 'a lot of love', and I felt I was being heard all the time. The second year went downhill fast, there was a breakdown of communication, and I was abused sexually, not just mentally and emotionally. What had I wish I told myself before I 'dived into' in the relationship. I would wish someone told me these things:

When I was in high school, and if there was an oral presentation, I would always to try to make up a reason to not do it. Like many, I had the fear of public speaking back then. I was doubting in myself and how I delivered the content of the speech. But as I grew older, and learnt that I had an interesting story to tell, I wanted to challenge the fear of public speaking - and just do it. I have been on stage talking about sexual violence and how it impacted me. I have talked on the stage about my mental and fashion blogging. I also recently was given the opportunity to talk about my art at an art exhibition called "Lunar Down Under: Asian Art" at Arts From The Margins. I felt my heart was about to jump from my heart, but I received feedback on the same day that I spoke and look confidently.

I can't believe one year has passed already since coming to this mental health rehabilitation place. I have learnt and experienced so much. I have failed at times in my mental health recovery, and every experience whether it's good or bad is a lesson to be learnt I believe. I choose to stay positive, despite some challenges and hiccups along the way.

I remember I used to be really unwell. Like, really unwell. Unwell to the point I would update my status updates on Facebook, "feeling suicidal". I feel looking back, I was partly looking for attention... and on the other hand, I was crying for help. The comments I received when I updated my statuses were a bunch of friends who were worried and asked me if I was ok, and some even specifically said to me to "chin up" which didn't help much to be honest. Of course I did not reply to the messages anymore that I find not helpful. I feel looking back, my status updates were more of passive-aggressive threats. To see who would truly care about me and actually be there for me. Even one friend who I barely spoke to knew where I lived, and almost called an ambulance to my place to see I was okay.